Just Kidding – The Beard Lives

This was my little version of an April Fool’s joke. So far most everyone has been very supportive of the yeard, and I’m planning to press on with it. Besides at four months we’ve now passed the first trimester of beard growth, meaning there’s no going back.

Because I know I haven’t done a proper monthly update since February, I want to add in some pictures of all the wonderful adventures my beard has been on in the last month!

 

Eating chicken!

Conquering mountains!

Receiving massages.

Entertaining children

Struggling with frosting.

And of course frolicking in flowers.

Did you have any favorites? Are there any beard shots you want me to try and get over the next few months? Leave your thoughts below in the comments!

Month Four Update and Bad News – End of an Era

“50 told me, go ‘head switch the style up, and if they hate let ’em hate and watch the money pile up.” – Kanye West

Unfortunately, quoting Kanye lyrics to start isn’t the worst thing about this post. I’d mentioned to some people that I’d started to get “looks” from some of the administration and other folks around school and yesterday morning they finally let the hammer fall: I have to trim the beard. I’ve checked the employee handbook and despite my daily care of it, the “haters” must not think that it counts as “well-groomed” enough.

I had put these away in the hopes of not having to use them til December…

This is obviously upsetting. I didn’t mind trimming some of the top and bottom in order to shape it (I was actually planning on doing that this week,) but not taking it in closer. I obviously want to keep growing it, but trimming in the length kind of defeats the entire purpose of the yeard. Unfortunately, I need to have a job, so something will have to give.

What do you guys think? Were they right? Should I try to keep growing it, but just keep trimming in the hopes that it will get fuller? Or should I just forget about it and cut my losses because the experiment’s dead anyway?

Why would they do this to us?

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #1 – Abraham Lincoln

1. Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln after a long day of hunting rebels and vampires.

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1809-1865

Presidency: 16th

Facial Hair Style: Full beard

Least Favorite Play: Our American Cousin 

Really, could it have been anyone else? Even for one with such an important historical resume, our 16th President’s beard still manages to garner a great deal of attention. There are even stories surrounding its origins, which can be traced back to a letter Lincoln received from eleven-year old Grace Bedell, who urged him to grow a beard only a few weeks before he was elected in 1860.

Horrifying.

Though he had made a name for himself as an Illinois lawyer and later a legislator, Lincoln’s mythos is inexorably tied up with the American Civil War. Though the storm of secession had been brewing for some time, it was the 1860 election of the Republican Lincoln without any electoral votes from the South that was the impetus for South Carolina and ten more states’ eventual secession. When Confederate troops bombarded Fort Sumter on April 12, 1861, the nation found itself officially at war. 

The eventual conflict would last more than four years and still stands as the bloodiest war in United States history. Though Lincoln himself was not a military man, he trusted in his generals, particularly Ulysses S. Grant (number seven in the Presidential facial hair list!) who would wage several successful campaigns both in the Western and Eastern Theaters of the war. Some of Lincoln’s actions such as the suspension of habeas corpus for some rebels earned him ire both from his contemporaries and modern historians, but he is still credited with preserving the Union throughout extreme adversity.

Lincoln found himself burned in effigy through North and South alike.

The issue of Lincoln and slavery is a tricky one. Though far greater minds than I have written on the topic at length, I’ll attempt to make the issue as palatable as possible. The traditional history is that Lincoln’s use of military force against the rebels was at first merely to preserve the Union. Even without citing slavery as a motivator, public opinion was anything but united. Many Northerners, especially in places like New York, were unwilling to fight and die for a sectional conflict, with numerous draft riots as evidence. 

Even the famed Emancipation Proclamation was meant as a blow against the Confederate economy and a practical solution to the question of liberated slaves, not as a humanitarian gesture. Slaves in areas not in rebellion, such as Delaware, were not freed by the Emancipation Proclamation and would only receive it with the ratification of the Thirteenth Amendment. 

Lincoln (sans beard) trying to glue the country back together. No wonder it took the guy four years to do it.

However, most biographers would agree that over time, Lincoln’s heart softened with regards to the issue of slavery. Lincoln’s meetings with black abolitionist Frederick Douglass have been credited as helping to change his stance. After his reelection in 1864 and as the war began to draw to a close, Lincoln was more outspoken against “the peculiar institution,” most notably supporting the Thirteenth Amendment to the US Constitution, which would outlaw involuntary servitude.

On Good Friday 1865, as the Civil War was winding down, Abraham Lincoln and his beard met their end on the wrong end of an assassin’s bullet. John Wilkes Booth, a stage actor and Confederate sympathizer, shot Lincoln in the head in a box at Ford’s Theater in Washington D.C. before stabbing US Army Major Henry Rathbone and trying to make his escape. Lincoln lived for a few more hours before passing away on the morning of April 15, the first US President to be assassinated.

Through all of the troubles and controversy the United States underwent during his Presidency, Lincoln is still upheld as one of our nation’s great Presidents. Schools and cities nationwide and even Mount Rushmore attest to the impact he had on our country. In my humble opinion he also had the greatest facial hair to ever inhabit the Oval Office. I’d like to think that it wasn’t a coincidence.

Sometimes the beard makes the man.

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #2 – Benjamin Harrison

2. Benjamin Harrison

Benny “Billion Dolla” Harrison was our last President to wear a beard in office.

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1833-1901

Presidency: 23rd

Facial Hair Style: Full beard

Most Famous Grandparent: Tippecanoe himself, President William Henry Harrison

We’re getting close now! Today’s post honors a President that set many milestones in our history. He was the first President to have electricity in the White House, and the only President from Indiana. A Republican, he ran on a platform of economic issues, beating the incumbent Grover Cleveland. During his term he signed the famous Sherman Antitrust Act (good!) and strengthened protective trade measures to new heights (probably not so good.)

Harrison’s striped beard was believed to have influenced author George R.R. Martin’s depictions of the Tyroshi in his A Song of Ice and Fire series.
Editor’s note: This is a lie.

Also controversial was Harrison’s approval of the Sherman Silver Purchase Act, which opened the door to more silver coinage in the United States, though not unlimited coinage as William Jennings Bryan and others wanted. Fun (and unrelated!) fact: The Wizard of Oz contains several references to the political atmosphere at the time, including the bimetallism debate. But, you don’t have to take my word for it. Here’s some related reading. Frank Baum, you cheeky devil, you.

Harrison at his most devious.

Unfortunately, Harrison also set some other milestones. His Congress was the first to pass a billion dollars in appropriations, which led to his designation as the first President to ever lose to an incumbent. Grover Cleveland was reelected in 1892, just in time to deal with the Panic of 1893, an economic collapse from speculation and instability that the country had never seen before. Despite his failures, we still have to acknowledge that he was the last ever to wear a beard in our nation’s highest office, and looked damn good while doing it.

Benjamin Harrison wants you to check back tomorrow to find out who made number one!

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #3 – Theodore Roosevelt

3. Theodore Roosevelt

TR’s notable moustache doppelgängers include Andy Reid, Jamie Hyneman, and several species of walrus.

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1858-1919

Presidency: 26th

Facial Hair Style: Moustache

Favorite Hip Hop Record Label: Ruff Ryders

I’ve been excitedly awaiting this post to come up for some time. Roosevelt is one of my favorite Presidents not only for his career in office, but also in his lessons and motivation from his private life.

Roosevelt was born a sickly, asthmatic child, but he never let that slow him down. He took great pride in training and strengthening his body, climbing mountains in his free time, and competing in boxing and rowing while at Harvard.

I do not have any intention of ever engaging in fisticuffs with a man that looks like this.

Roosevelt’s university career saw him become a voracious reader, tearing through hundreds of books a year and writing several himself. While his professional career saw him involved in New York state and City politics, he also began working as an editor for Outlook magazine. His influence within the US Navy had been growing when the Spanish-American War broke out in 1898. Roosevelt gathered a group of volunteers, the so-called “Rough Riders” to go down and fight the Spanish in Cuba. Though the war was in truth won by American naval power, his Rough Riders gained great renown with actions such as the famous capture of San Juan Hill.

Can’t you see the resemblance?

Roosevelt’s notoriety for the war landed him in the office of the Vice-President, which would catapult him to the Presidency when McKinley was assassinated. As President, Roosevelt was most notable for two policies: his progressivism and his imperialist aspirations.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Roosevelt was a strong believer in American military strength. Like many of his contemporaries, he had been influenced by Alfred Thayer Mahan’s The Influence of Sea Power Upon History and continued the buildup of America’s modern steam-powered steel fleet. His foreign policy extended the older Monroe Doctrine, maintaining that European powers should have no place in the Western Hemisphere, and that the US would step in to intervene in Latin American countries that were at risk of failing and coming under European influence.

A contemporary cartoon describing TR’s “Big Stick” policy in the Caribbean.

In the domestic corner, Roosevelt was a noted progressive. His “Square Deal” set of policies were meant to give a hand to the average American, encouraging food-safety laws, decreasing the influence of monopolistic corporations  by use of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, and conservationism. Roosevelt’s history as an outdoorsman influenced his belief that the natural beauty of America needed to be preserved, culminating in his signing of the Antiquities Act, a law which allowed the President to deem certain areas National Monuments.

Fun fact: Roosevelt disliked being called “Teddy.”

 

In his later years, Roosevelt retired to Sagamore Hill, where he continued to read, write, and explore the outdoors. When World War I broke out in 1914, he actually toyed with the idea of gathering another company of volunteers and riding out for glory, but at 56, half-blind, and facing a war unlike any before, he luckily relented. Theodore Roosevelt and his impeccable moustache passed away at the age of 60 in Cove Neck, New York.

Bully for you, Mr. President.

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #4 – Rutherford B. Hayes

4. Rutherford B. Hayes

Rutherford B. Hayes almost starved to death once as a teenager when his beard kept him from ingesting food.

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1822-1893

Presidency: 19th

Facial Hair Style: Full beard

White House Tradition Founded: Easter egg rolling on the White House Lawn

In order to understand the election of Rutherford B. Hayes, we need to return back to the end of the American Civil War in 1865. Up to and including the case of Bush v. Gore in 2000, the election of 1876 and subsequent Compromise of 1877 was probably the strangest and most controversial elections in our nation’s history. Much has been written about the events of the Compromise and the effects on the postwar South.

Most of the history books are strangely silent about the time that a giant, spectral Hayes attacked the White House, however.

Following the surrender of General Lee at Appomattox Courthouse and the surrender of the Confederacy, much of the South was in shambles. Cities were burned, hundreds of thousands were dead, and of course, millions of former slaves, themselves much of the property wealth of the region, had been given their freedom. Additionally, as rebels, many of the most influential community and political leaders were declared ineligible for public office, with either newly-freed African-Americans or “Carpetbaggers” from the North in their place. By 1876 all the states had entered back into the Union after oaths of loyalty, and communities were slowly returning to local rule. Despite this, parts of Louisiana, South Carolina, and Florida were still under federal military rule.

Enter Rutherford Hayes and Samuel Tilden, the respective Republican and Democratic candidates for the 1876 Presidential election. New York Democrat Samuel Tilden beat Hayes not only in the popular vote but also in the more important electoral vote, with 184 votes to Hayes’s 165. 185 would be needed to declare a winner; 20 of the votes were in dispute due to voting fraud in Florida, Louisiana, South Carolina, and Oregon. An informal compromise was reached that would give Hayes the needed 20 votes put him in the Oval Office but would also end military occupation of the South. In exchange for for peaceful recognition of Hayes’s presidency, Republicans also committed to a transcontinental railroad through southern states and to other legislation to help the South industrialize. For this reason, the installation of Hayes as President is the most-cited date for the end of Reconstruction efforts.

Could this beardless face lead the nation? I don’t think so.

Hayes’s term as President primarily dealt with domestic issues such as the gold/silver currency debate, civil service reform, and ending military reconstruction, but his foreign policies were also notable. Hayes was a strict proponent of the Monroe Doctrine, and he was not afraid to threaten French interventionists in Mexico and Panama. Hayes also vetoed an 1879 anti-Chinese immigration law, not because of any great love for the immigrants, but because the law would contradict an 1868 treaty with China, something he believed Congress should not have the power to do.

After leaving office, Hayes pursued charitable efforts, especially education. He believed that education would be the best way to mend the wounds of the Civil War, and was appointed to the Board of Trustees of the Ohio State University, an institution he helped found during his earlier term as governor.

Sometimes, the beard speaks for itself.

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #5 – James Garfield

5. James Garfield 

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1831-1881

Presidency: 20th

Facial Hair Style: Full beard

Mortal weakness: Bullets

Out of my many complaints about the social studies curriculum in Texas, a relevant one from US History is that we do a poor job of teaching the Executive Branch during the “Gilded Age,” a period of industrialization and urbanization from the mid-late 19th century until around the turn of the century. I can understand this decision, as there is generally more focus on the Legislative branch than the Executive, and government was becoming more and more dominated by business influence rather than single Presidential personalities. Still though, this explanation is a little lacking. If we accept it, we skip over individuals like James Garfield.

Garfield had a long career in the House of Representatives before his nomination to the 1880 Republican ticket. He was a skilled financial mind, saving the Federal government millions of dollars by timing Treasury bond sales with the market. As a Congressman, he was implicated in the Crédit Mobilier scandal, but it did not greatly hurt his career. As President, he made political reform a key issue, taking on dodgy practices withing the United States Postal Service and fighting against the practice where every elected official would be besieged by volunteers and other cronies looking for jobs. During his term, Garfield argued for the advancement of African-American education and was also the first President to talk on the telephone.

Garfield’s prediction turned out to be quite accurate, as political corruption would in a way be his undoing. After only a few months in office, he was killed by Charles Guiteau, one of the aforementioned office-seekers. The President lingered on for 80 days unable to effectively govern until he eventually died of a heart attack and aneurysm.

The assassin himself. Guiteau had a great beard, but the crazy eyes should have been a tip-off.

I don’t know who the gentleman on the right is, but he looks rather startled by the whole assassination thing.

In the end, the assassination and subsequent reform would be Garfield’s biggest legacy, as mentioned in my Chester A. Arthur entry.  I had a really difficult time deciding whether to put Garfield at number 5 or number 4 in the countdown. The final deciding factor was the fact that Garfield only lasted 200 days in office from inauguration to death. My tip for any aspiring office-seekers: if you want to be highly ranked in any future facial hair lists, avoid assassins.

Ladies.

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #6 – William Howard Taft

6: William Taft

Taft: More than just a pretty face

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1857-1930

Presidency: 27th

Facial Hair Style: Handlebar Moustache

Favorite Foods: Broiled steak, deviled almonds

Today’s the day that you get to hear me rant about one of our most misunderstood Presidents, William Taft. Yay! Don’t worry; I’ll keep it short. What’s the one thing everyone knows about Taft?

1 Taft = 2.72 Madisons

Despite the hilarious stories about him getting stuck in bathtubs, there was so much more to Taft than his (considerable) girth. For example, not only was William H. Taft the only man to ever serve as both President and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, he also had a stint in the national legislature, completing the rare Governmental Triple Crown. Taft was also an avid traveler, vacationing in Hawaii, and is held to be the first President to ever surfboard. Maybe if Kerry had taken Taft’s lead rather than gone windsurfing, the 2004 election would have gone differently.

Unfortunately for Taft’s legacy, he was not only hefty, but he was in the unenviable position of following Teddy Roosevelt in the Oval Office. No matter his policies, he would always be held against the hard-charging, park-building, moose-riding Viking that came before him. Editor’s Note: There is no historical evidence to support the notion that Theodore Roosevelt had Viking heritage. 

For his part, Taft was seen as more conservative and business-friendly than his predecessor. Though he continued Roosevelt’s policies of using the Sherman Antitrust Act to pursue malicious combinations (even going after Standard Oil in 1911,) he was less outspoken about their evils in that regard. Taft’s business-first principles are also reflected in his imperialist foreign policy. Widely known as “Dollar Diplomacy,” Taft sought to use the power of American industry and banking in order to gain influence in Central and South America, a position for which he was widely loved by American business and widely reviled by nationals from Mexico to Chile.

Taft about to lay the hammer down on some economy-strangling trusts.

As we rapidly approach Presidents’ Day, I put this challenge to you: when someone mentions Taft, think not “Oh, that fat guy, right?” Think of our surfboarding, trustbusting, Chief Justice-serving 27th President, and twirl your moustache in tribute.

Thug life.

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #7 – Ulysses S. Grant

7: Ulysses S. Grant

If your birth name was Hiram, you would probably change it too.

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1822-1885

Presidency: 18th

Facial Hair Style: Full beard

True Love That Proved To Be His Eventual Downfall: Cigars

Ulysses S. Grant represents a golden age in American military history. While today beards are apparently only allowed if you’re Sikh or Chris Pratt (this is a Zero Dark Thirty reference,) in Grant’s time officers would regularly sport luxuriant manes of hair as they commanded men in battle. While Grant’s failed businesses and other failures as a young man are well-documented, leading troops was one of his true skills. Following his commission from West Point, Grant raised a group of volunteers and took off for Kentucky. The next few years saw him win several key victories, including several battles during the Vicksburg Campaign. At the same time Meade was winning a victory at Gettysburg, Grant accepted the surrender of the Confederate garrison of Vicksburg, putting the entire Mississippi River under Union control and effectively cutting the Confederacy in two. Grant’s forces would see several more victories throughout the war, accepting the surrender of three armies, including Lee’s final surrender at Appomattox Courthouse.

Grant during his early days of capturing Confederate forts and doing lead vocals for ZZ Top.

Like many of his contemporaries, Grant was able to parlay his military popularity into a Presidential run. The Republican Party wanted a war hero, and Grant fit the bill, defeating former New York Governor Horatio Seymour. Despite his success in war, Grant had two troubled terms as President. Battling both economic downturn and the resurgence of white Democratic power in the South, Grant struggled to implement many of his desired Radical Republican policies. Grant died eight years later of throat cancer in 1885, likely caused by his habit of chewing on several cigars per day. This was before a pension had been established for Presidents, so Grant had been nearly penniless due to several bad investments. Grant commissioned Mark Twain to write his memoirs, which were received to critical acclaim and provided Julia Grant with some much-needed income after her husband’s death. Grant was entombed in the appropriately-named Grant’s Tomb in Riverside Park, NYC.

General Grant, we salute your beard (and you.)

Bonus picture!

Grant with an old man beard while working on his memoirs.

Presidents’ Day Facial Hair Countdown #8 – Martin Van Buren

8: Martin Van Buren

During the Panic of 1837, Van Buren’s chin curtains were used to make blankets for homeless Americans.

Fast Facts

Lifetime: 1782-1862

Presidency: 8th

Facial Hair Style: Sideburns

Reason to Dislike Him: Helped block the admission of Texas into the Union in 1836

As a child, Van Buren was one of my favorite Presidents. While I now know more of his history, at the time my appreciation for our 8th President was because of his easy-to-remember name and distinctive facial hair. During his term, he helped to guide the United States through the Panic of 1837, a national depression caused by overspeculation, and prevented the Aroostook War, a bloodless conflict with Great Britain over the border of Maine, from devolving into actual fighting.

Not the most accomplished visionary, however.

Van Buren’s personal background is notable in that he was not only the first President not of British or Scots-Irish descent (Dutch was his heritage and first language,) but also the first President to be born an American citizen. For this, he was a true patriot and is worthy of our recognition. Though he did not wear a moustache or a beard while in office, his facial hair would inspire costumes and Google Search commercials for years to come.

Gezondheid, Marty!